I grew up as the oldest child in a newly Christian home. We went to church every Sunday since I was 5 years old. I attended Sunday school, many Christian day camps and youth groups. My family all ate dinner together and prayed before each meal.
Half way through 7th grade until 12th grade, I attended Christian schools. And no, I was not forced. I asked my parents to transfer me. I wanted it so bad! Some how, God made a way.
Around my junior year of high school, I began to question what I had been taught. I developed many doubts and saw many flaws in the people all around me. I started to feel like it was all a bunch of charades and cliche phrases. My plan for college had been to pursue being a missionary. Once it came time to apply to schools, I decided to go to culinary school instead.
During college, I fell away from everything, even my family. I lived how I wanted. I started to feel empty. The more excitement and experiences I tried to fill my life with the less satisfied I felt. I grew very annoyed and frustrated. I was draining the life out of myself. I became like a frog in a pot. The heat kept rising steadily and I didn't notice, and eventually I was cooked.
I tried to find my satisfaction in pleasing guys. I wanted to feel needed and cared for. I was going to be the one they would remember. I got exactly the opposite of importance. I became used.
After I graduated college, in 2011, I got a job at a small diner. On my first day, I met Justin, as a customer. I shortly found out that he worked there too. He was going to be my next "conquest", if you will. I was going to do everything right, this time. I was going to be everything any guy ever wanted. I anticipated a great fling with him. I had nothing serious on my mind.
Then, as I mentioned in my first post (Sparks Fly: Love Makes A Way), God totally rattled my world. "One night, while we were out on one of our regular wandering drives, I became so utterly overwhelmed by how much I loved him! The feeling consumed me, and I was amazed I could feel this much. It was especially crazy to feel all this for someone who was still more a stranger then anything else. Then, as if the latter was a slight-of-hand decoy, a second, more powerful wave crashed over me: "If this deep love for a near stranger is possible, God's love for me must be massive!" The second thought was more surprising then the first. I hadn't considered God in a number of years. After knowing each other for 6 months we moved in together. Little did I know this decision would change everything.
I started thinking about God more and remembering things I had been taught. I prayed a little but nothing meaningful. It was mostly about how I wanted God to serve me. One night, after about a year since I had that overwhelming realization about God's love, He rocked my world again. It was late and Justin was already asleep. I was very restless and began praying. Through that prayer, God lead me to ask for forgiveness for the first time in years. A wave of relief washed over me, and I literally felt weight lifted off of me. Tears streamed from my eyes. I was made new again! All the emptiness I acquired was actually a pile of spiritual baggage I was lugging around. I felt empty because I was building a wall of sin between God and I. That "God shaped hole" inside of me steadily grew bigger. From that moment of forgiveness on, my life began to slowly change. That hole was filled again. I could feel God's presence, like I used to. I could feel Him in the wind and nature the clearest. It was how it used to be for me. I loved it! I was coming back to life.
I started going to church sometimes in the spring of 2013. It was a hard transition. Sunday was our special day together as a couple. Justin didn't like it and didn't understand why I was doing this. I wanted to share this part of my new life with him so bad! I felt helpless to explain it. I didn't know how to show him, but I had a deep peace within me that he would find what I found. I just needed to have faith that my God can do the seemingly impossible. Some how, I knew that it would take something huge, like a rug pulled out from under his feet, for him to see it.
I told my mom that I didn't want it to be me. I didn't want something drastic to happen in our relationship or in his life for that matter. I was scared for what was coming. I prayed that I wouldn't be anything to do with his mom or his brother. They are the two most important people in his life. My second fear was that something would happen with his job. Praise God that none of those scenarios happened.
Weeks before this conversation with my Mom, God had calling me to move out. I fought it for months. Eventually, I couldn't any more. I moved back home just before Christmas of 2013. Our relationship became the biggest roller coaster ride ever. He thought I was moving out because I didn't love him any more and I wasn't satisfied in our relationship. He thought he had done everything wrong. That was the furthest from the truth. It was because I love him so much I had to move out and obey God. God blesses obedience and faithfulness. I knew if I trusted God with my relationship He would do the rest. I began praying for Justin and for us, as well as asking other to do the same. Facing the fact that this choice to follow God could take Justin away from me, forever, was the hardest reality to face. If it took this painful step of faith to point him God's way, it was going to be worth it. Even if it was years down the road, and I never knew, it still would be worth it. That thought was a great motivation to cling tightly to God's promise to blessings from obedience. To Him be all the honor and praise for His faithful love!
God has not only transformed our relationship and made it the best it has ever been, but he has changed Justin's life forever. In January, Justin asked Jesus into his heart, and to forgive him for the things he did against God. On February 2nd, Justin took a step of obedience and got baptized, proclaiming to the world that Jesus is his Lord. On March 9th, God answered another prayer. We got my Dad's blessing to be married. God has also blessed us with a wonderful pastor friend who has offered to provide us with premarital counseling. Throughout the stress of the initial transformation Justin and I went through, Pastor Bob was there praying and encouraging us. God used him greatly in our lives then and is still continuing to do so today.
God has not only transformed my heart and Justin's, but has made our relationship new and vibrant. On top of that, my relationship with my family is better then it has ever been! He provide me with a new job that literally fell in my lap at the exact time I needed it. This job allows me to love and serve people with His hands everyday. I can see Him stirring in that place. It is only a matter of time until people see Him and are saved.
Now, I live on a road that strives to build God's Eternal Kingdom, instead of living to fulfill my personal pleasures. In letting go of my wants, God has been more then faithful in satisfying my needs. Matthew 6:20-26, 30b says,
"I tell you not to worry about your life.
Don’t worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear.
Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky!
They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns.
Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them.
Aren't you worth more than birds? He will surely do even more for you!
Why do you have such little faith?"
God is faithful to all who thrown themselves into His merciful love and grace.I am no longer empty. He has filled my heart with life, love and joy! Each day is truly a blessing to live for Him. It is a constant process of letting go of myself and moving closer to His plan for my life. I know He created me with a purpose that only my life can complete. I look forward to this journey through life with Him. I am so blessed that He has given me Justin to take this trip with and a family and friends that provide great encouragement. I am confident that He is going to use us in a mighty way. I am even more sure that He will do an even mightier work behind the scenes in our personal life. His love is truly amazing! It is steady and unchanging.
If God never sent Jesus to save me, my life would still be empty. One of my favorite verses before I left God was Romans 5:8. It says,
"But God showed how much he loved us by having Christ die for us,
even though we were sinful."
Praise God for loving me even when I lived without Him in my life. He was still by my side, trying to hand me true life through Jesus. I promise He is doing the same for you. Right now, as you read this He has His arms open wide to accept you and make you new. He always has been and always will be.He has a plan for everyone's life that can only be accomplished when we choose to live for Him, instead of ourselves. This truth is promised to us in Jeremiah 29:11:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
It is true! He has and is and will continue to do this in my life and is waiting for you to let Him do the same in yours. Please, let Him show you His great plan for you life. I promise you will not be disappointed; rather you will be so satisfied and overflowing with perfect love and peace.
