My whole childhood worried a lot about peoples opinions. As I grew, I still hadn't leaned enough about myself, or life, to really own my views. I just wanted to fit in. How was I supposed to think in order to be included? I never really felt excepted by society. I never felt I belonged. Where was my place in this big, wide world?
In college said I would live with no regrets. My first blog is even titled "One Step Stronger: No negative experiences, only learning one adventure at a time :-)" I was going to build my life however I wanted. Nothing would leave a negative impact. Life was going to be one big adventure of building my list of accomplishments, so I could say my life amounted to something. At least I had fun. At least I would have a story to tell.
The stories I was gathering weren't making me feel more accepted. They more stories I told, the more judged I felt. I wanted to be like everyone else, to do things everyone did, so I could make a connection. Why did I still feel disconnected? What do I have to do to be "in"? I felt lost in a whirlwind of questions, hopelessly looking for answers.
The stories I was gathering weren't making me feel more accepted. They more stories I told, the more judged I felt. I wanted to be like everyone else, to do things everyone did, so I could make a connection. Why did I still feel disconnected? What do I have to do to be "in"? I felt lost in a whirlwind of questions, hopelessly looking for answers.
During college I put up blocks in the lines of communication with my family, and after I did the same to my friends. I didn't know what I wanted, but I did know I didn't want to hear even half of another opinion of what I should do. I just wanted to be left alone. Alone! I wanted to hear myself think. How to accomplish that was the bigger task.
There were so many voices pounding in my head I didn't know which was mine. Many questions flooded my mind constantly: "Who am I?", "What should I do with my life?:, "Is there real purpose to anything I do?", "Does anyone really care?", "Did I make the right choice?", "Am I good at anything?","Can anybody hear me?". The questions are end less. My mind was utterly consumed with doubt, fear and bitterness. My mind was like a collection of many hamsters running on there own very squeaky wheel, filling me with confusion. I was literally at a stand still, "treading water" through life. I felt so empty
School told me my degree meant I deserve credit. It made me entitled to value, to purpose. All the work I did and information I learned was going to be worth the cost. It was supposed to set me apart. Why didn't I feel like that? Why did I feel invisible and insignificant?
Then, I met Justin and my heart slowly opened. One night, while we were out on one of our regular wandering drives, I became so utterly overwhelmed by how much I love him! The feeling consumed me, and I was amazed I could feel this much. It was especially crazy to feel all this for someone who was still more a stranger then anything else. Then, as if the latter was a slight-of-hand decoy, a second, more powerful wave crashed over me: If this deep love for a near stranger is possible, God's love for me must be massive! The second thought was more surprising then the first. I hadn't considered God in a number of years.
He was out of my picture. Beyond that, I was very bitter towards the Church and everyone who called themselves Christian. I grew up in a young Christian home and attended almost 6 years in private Christian schools. In my late teens I saw hypocrisy and pride under every rock. I felt like it was all one big joke. I wanted no part in such trickery, so I ran. I lived to please myself in the moment. I would satisfy myself with a regret free adventure into my own pleasures. I would find my own "truth". Up until that moment in the car, I was living in my own little world. Then, God reached out and ignited a spark in my heart. Light made a tiny pin prick in my heart, and love began transforming my life!
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